Friday, July 3, 2009

I've come to realize

I thought about a lot today. Actually I think I made a lot of progress over a short period of time. I'm ready to move on, not because I should. Not because of anything but me. I really want to and I know that I am ready. Today after all the tears, I started to think about the present. I realized that I'm done living in the past. It's so very hard to explain. I had an epiphany... Over the past year and especially the past few months I have been slowly moving on... baby steps if you will. But I think in the back of my mind, I never intended to really let go. Today I want to let go. I truly believe that was my defining moment today, never before have I wanted to let go. I wanted to hold on. Maybe because it was comfortable. Maybe it was because I could use it to protect myself, to justify myself. I was still so very attached. It was all still so ingrained in my everyday life. I'm ready to leave it behind. Of course, I won't forget.

What is "it"? So hard to explain. I'm starting over today. I'm being just me. I don't want to be the girl who lost the boy. For the last year I defined myself as that and so has everyone else. Not anymore. And that makes me smile.